Over the last few months, I’ve gone through what can be described as a normal grieving process: respectfully mourning the death of my first entrepreneurial dream. I have no doubt that shutting down Little City Kitchen Co. was the right decision, but the occasional pocket of sadness still pops up, and it catches me off guard every time.
The pragmatic part of me knows that at some point I need to make some money and start supporting myself again, so I’ve started getting comfortable with the idea of going back to work.
Without really even looking, an unexpected opening at a local & sustainable food company came across my desk. It was the perfect position on paper, so I had been exploring it, quite seriously, for the last few weeks. Somewhere in between negotiating salary and start dates, the gentle nagging in my gut, that until this point I chalked it up to normal apprehension about going back to work, turned into a full-blown freak out.
It became clear that something else, something bigger, was actually going on for me, so I started examining my real motivations for wanting this job. The answer hit me like a ton of bricks: I was terrified of running out of money, and this job was the safest and most practical solution.
After sitting with that thought for a few minutes, I realized the deeper implication…
I was letting my fear make decisions for me.
Even now, seeing those words on the screen disturbs me. It seems like such a yucky place to come from when making life’s big decisions, sort of the anti-Jill approach. Yet I can’t help but wonder how prevalent fear has been in other aspects of my life (and for the record Mom, that’s a rhetorical question!).
This new awareness, however seemingly small, is already impacting my life in big ways. Fear can be very powerful, but only if you allow it to be.
Don’t Make Me Pull This Car Over…
I equate it to taking a road trip with several very loud passengers in a car. Each of your motivations wants a turn in the drivers seat, but ultimately, you get to choose which one of them drives, for how long, and in which direction.
I’m reminded now of a previous blog where I talked about the opposite of fear being trust. In the case of my almost-job, my trust finally took over the driving and put my fear in its place…on a much-needed time out in the backseat. Whew!
So in the end, I listened to my intuition and politely turned down that job knowing there must be another even better one is out there for me. Although the final conversation with them was not an easy one, I’m left knowing, yet again, that this is the right decision for me.
On that note, I will sign off and leave you to ponder… How much power do you give YOUR fear?